These are the words of *Maria, a woman who was subjected to unspeakable violence by her husband, who later killed their only child last year out of rage after she made the decision to leave him.

Whenever he wronged her, recalls Maria, he would beg for forgiveness, promising not to repeat it again. This remorsefulness became routine, in his efforts to stop her from leaving him: “After beating me up he would be sweet and humble, he would cry and go down on his knees begging forgiveness.”

Not even the intervention of the couple’s parents could change things, and in the 10th year of the union, Maria decided it was time to leave and never look back. All she had to show for her perseverance was her nine-year old son and the scars on her body.

Little did she know that her decision would cost her this beloved child under such tragic circumstances when his father kidnapped him and hid him from her, only to kill him.

Maria’s experience is replayed in varying degrees everyday in the privacy of homes in every community in Kenya, regardless of social status, creed or race. Sometimes women struggle to save their violent marriages to a point that the choice is between staying and expecting death at the hands of their intimate partners or taking flight in order to live to see another day.

During a recent workshop, speaker after speaker commented on why women take too long to make critical decisions about violent partners, even when the tell-tale signs are visible and threatening.

“Women refuse to tell or speak about violence in order to protect the image of the family. It is important that women begin to live for themselves and not for others, even if we are nurturers and carer-givers,” says Ms Catherine Gachutha, the Executive Director of Maranatha Professional College of Counselling Training.

She adds that violence is a cycle, continuous and periodical, and the perpetrators will always continue doing it even when they show remorse and beg forgiveness as was the case with Maria’s husband.

“Violence needs to be redefined, with all the hidden ruthlessness, oppression, control and psychological challenges of gender based violence being scrutinized.”

Counsellors say everyone thinks that gender violence is an unholy conspiracy. It is a story about society. The woman feels that she must guard the family image, and then they let themselves suffer. They will suffer in silence, unwilling to reveal what is really happening to them.

“Women need to know that it is okay to make mistakes, and women must learn to put themselves first,” says Ms Gachutha.

Hadley Muchela, the post-rape care programme coordinator at Liverpool VCT, Care and Treatment (LVCT) in Nairobi says: “Silence was killing our women because they are haunted by the question; ‘where do I go?’ In an environment where there are no support systems in place, many women will continue to suffer in silence.”

According to Jane Onyango, the executive director of the Federation of Women Lawyers in Kenya (FIDA-K), women need to be vigilant and take action as soon as they see the tell-tale signs of a violent relationship.

The call for women to open up and run from violent relationships comes against the backdrop of distressing statistics.

A total of 19,938 women and girls have been sexually assaulted in the last ten years, and the number could be higher as many victims do not report their ordeal to the police or human rights organisations.

Ms Onyango says that although the trend in reporting abuse is on the uptake, largely due to aggressive research and documentation by the Nairobi Women’s Hospital, LVCT and other gender violence recovery centres around the country, she acknowledged the support of the police in recording statistics and acting on complaints.

This can be credited to awareness campaigns in the media, and the consistency of individuals and organizations fighting to end gender violence.

Nominated member of parliament and assistant minister, Labour and Manpower Development, Hon. Adelina Mwau, noted with concern the increasing number of women and girls undergoing sexual violence in Kenya. She called on women to engage with their members of parliament to hold them accountable in the fight for justice and freedom from violence.

“Everybody needs to take a stand against the culture of impunity; advocate for zero-tolerance to gender based violence, and create a new morality and a new value for women,” says Nyaradzai Gumbovzada, UNIFEM’s Regional Director, East and Horn of Africa region.

She added: “We need personal accountability to preserve the security of all women, men, girls and boys and the ability to say ‘I am going to behave differently, talk differently, and be empowered to say enough is enough, and I cannot take it anymore!”

*(Full names and identity withheld)

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